Trin's Brain

trindolynbeck — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 07:35:01 +0000

All's Well

Dad??

trindolynbeck — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 20:05:54 +0000

Are we there, yet?
When will this stupid ride end?
When do we stop fixing flat tires and putting out fires?
I’m tired, are you?

Today

trindolynbeck — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 21:04:33 +0000

On my way home from work I was seriously looking for big strong trees… and ways to disable the airbag.

SLife Anew

trindolynbeck — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 00:34:02 +0000

I have a friend
She is the coolest
Always haz been
She makes me feel important and, at the same time, keeps me on my toes. She’s not easily impressed and not quick to gush… Just what I need and desire… Someone that will say, “Nice, but…” and maybe, “Nice butt” once in awhile, too. Someone that looks up to me while I’m looking up to her. I’m very lucky

The Boxxe

trindolynbeck — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 03:14:59 +0000

I know nobody reads this stuff. That’s why I like posting here. Kind of like Robert Munroe’s relaxation excersize where you put all your troubles into a mental chest and then envision it floating off into space, so you, for the moment, can forget about them and the anxiety they create. In this case I have built a single prim. A square, unassuming block that, if I wanted, could store my entire 20,000 item Second Life inventory. I may decorate it… I may not. Doesn’t matter… I have the perfect hiding place for it. “Hiding place?” you ask, “We thought this was a float off in space dealie.” Well, it is, but these “anxieties” are special to me and I need to know where they are even if I don’t, at the moment, want to deal with them. So, hiding them, in plain sight but, in a place I only go by mistake, where anyone could stubble upon them, my vast collection of treasures, would amount to the same thing. Here, I would store all my lovely snapshots, all my SL memories, all my paintings, all the wonderful gifts people have given me over the years… my poop gun, my strap-on guitar, all the evil weapons Treminari gave me, my fabulous collection of ColeMarie partical emitters, all my hopes and dreams… and my beating heart.

Many people believe that when starting anew or, ending an old, you should just scrap everything, a clean canvas, vacuum those cobwebs…

Not me.

Someone important in my slife made those cobwebs or I would have deleted them a long time ago. Everything that anyone has ever said to me, or done for me, shapes my avatar, my corporal pressence, by muscle or scar. It’s a beautiful creation, a mass of pixels, an everchanging portrait, and to just… stop, would be criminal. To delete, unthinkable. Like putting your whole life in a golden chest and then setting it on fire… cremation.

Partnering Reprise (8 Hours Ago)

trindolynbeck — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 01:00:55 +0000

This morning I lied to my partner. Well, actually, “kept” something from her, something that she would have been very upset about. I bottled it up and hid it in my drawer. So, basically, yes, a bold-face lie. Because when you trust someone you don’t hide things from them. Even if it’s bad. Then, in a total lack of consciousness, I pulled it out and handed it to her. Of course, that led to more lies, trying to cover my ass…

I hate myself and Second Life right now. Not because I got caught but because it made me realise that I AM a liar and a cheater and a secret-keeper, things that SL makes very easy to be. But worse than that, my partner and I are NOT pixels. We are trusting, feeling, human beings and I could feel her distrust and disappointment right through the screen. She was very magnanimous… more so then I expected. I’m not sure what I would have done in the reverse situation. She stayed right there, expressed her disillusionment and her displeasure, and even though I knew she wanted to whap me severely, she wanted to continue to play, “Because we are friends” (sigh) Kind of like my mom, who never spanked me when I was bad but gave me that “look” that said she was utterly disappointed in me and then let me stew in my own evil juices. That’s my definition of Hell.

The phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” comes to mind.

If I survive this I’m going to be a freaking bull.

She is a wonderful woman and I feel truly blessed that she shares her time with me. I can’t say I will never wrong her again. I wish I could. History tells a different tale. Humans are wanton and weak and susceptible to temptations…. and those are the GOOD humans.

One Year Ago

trindolynbeck — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 01:44:39 +0000

On Valentine’s Day… Someone introduced themself to me. Little did I know the effect. Darkest before the dawn sorta time. Pondering SLuicide. Whining to all my friends. Working to keep busy. Failing at that as well.

Tis funny how things happen that way. I didn’t think so at the time but then you never do…

The Meaning of SLife

trindolynbeck — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:29:10 +0000

I’ve lost my inhibitions in Second Life. So many things have happened in the last three years, good and bad. Trin’s brain has been sharp and mush, up and down, expanded and flattened… He’s been loved, crushed, exhalted, threatened, admired, threatened again…. but more and more I have come to the conclusion that it IS just a game. A wonderfully artistic game that allows people to express themselves without fear of rejection. Oh, there is rejection, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a simple matter of turning around and concentrating on what’s important. Like changing the channel on your TV. Just like real life there will always be highs and lows. There will always be people that piss you off because they don’t understand you, and those that want to be your friend because they think they do. The thing that stands out to me is, I will never really know anyone, never be able to look through their eyes, never know when something I say or do will flip a switch in their brain. The only constant that I can rely on are the ones I am in control of, the switches in MY brain.

Zen in 10 means to me keeping track of those switches and trying to reset them before I do something stupid. Or maybe letting them switch at will, be aware of the change, and figure out how to compensate for the new settings.

I’ve had some very unfortunate things happen to me recently in RL and SL (as have many people) (click, click… SNAP) but I have found that by not dwelling on them I’ve been able to see the fortunate things that are happening to me all the time.

So, what’s the meaning of SLife? Play with enthusiasm, discover all you can, experience what you wish…. DEAL, and you will see. Always be polite, eat the mud that is thrown at you, be who it is you want to be… consistantly.

Partnering Part 3

trindolynbeck — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:48:35 +0000

So… yesterday marked our 3rd month anniversary.

You see, time, along with apologies, groveling and a commitment to a goal, heals most wounds.

We partnered June 24th. I never even thought about being partnered with anyone, mainly because I didn’t really know what it was. Never really paid any attention to that little box. Kind of like marriage, never thought about it, but then, one day, it happened. I have always been a loner… a fifth wheel… much more comfortable in my own company than with others. But I love being married in RL. Being married is like having your own personal buddy-bot there whenever you need them, to share things with, good and bad, happy and sad….

I am discovering that partnering is the same thing…. Someone you can count on. Someone you can experience that unbelievable landscape, or insane avatar with. Someone that is going to smile when you log on.

No…. SL “marriage” is NOT in the future…. Neither are SLildren… {{shiver}} just a long happy Slife with someone that brings me joy…. Consistently…. Unconditionally….

Partnering Part 2

trindolynbeck — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 19:28:15 +0000

… She locked the door behind, all dressed in Koi skin and white lingerie, she sauntered up to my desk. She bent over and whispered in my ear, “Do you ever accept alternative payments?”

I thought, “Oh great, here we go again…” I saw Linden dollar signs evaporating before me. Oh well…. NEXT!!

“Lemme show you something,” she said and rezzed a furry white blanket on the floor. She laid me down and stoked my belly. My blood soaked avie breathed like he was really enjoying it and I didn’t want to stop in the least. She asked me if I was “taken” and I said yes, even though I knew that was no longer true. She said, “Well, this doesn’t mean anything, just wanted to show you what I do at jPose.” We talked and laughed and I no longer felt she was trying to take advantage of me… In fact, “You can play with it if you want…. just touch the blanket.” I did… lots.

Now before you go saying, “Ah, now we get it…” It wasn’t like that at all. She was a perfect lady. Never pushed me to do anything. She only talked about me while I went through the poses, about how she’d seen my RL website months ago and wanted very much to meet me. We met various times in the next couple weeks, talking about future commissions. Each time she wore a different set of undies. I figured. she was a model, of course she wears that stuff alot. And then.. one night, it happened. Under the stars, resting on the blanket…. she told me she was drinking champagne… she showed me her product. It was an awesome evening!!

Immediately, after our encounter, I thought, “Gawd, I can’t do this. I can’t fall again. It’s just too hard.” And stayed up way too late writing a dear Jane letter about how I am just not ready for a commitment and a whole bunch of crap that I used to try and justify what I was writing. *note to self… NEVER send a letter at 3:00am.

I broke her heart in a million pieces………………………………