The Meaning of SLife

I’ve lost my inhibitions in Second Life. So many things have happened in the last three years, good and bad. Trin’s brain has been sharp and mush, up and down, expanded and flattened… He’s been loved, crushed, exhalted, threatened, admired, threatened again…. but more and more I have come to the conclusion that it IS just a game. A wonderfully artistic game that allows people to express themselves without fear of rejection. Oh, there is rejection, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a simple matter of turning around and concentrating on what’s important. Like changing the channel on your TV. Just like real life there will always be highs and lows. There will always be people that piss you off because they don’t understand you, and those that want to be your friend because they think they do. The thing that stands out to me is, I will never really know anyone, never be able to look through their eyes, never know when something I say or do will flip a switch in their brain. The only constant that I can rely on are the ones I am in control of, the switches in MY brain.

Zen in 10 means to me keeping track of those switches and trying to reset them before I do something stupid. Or maybe letting them switch at will, be aware of the change, and figure out how to compensate for the new settings.

I’ve had some very unfortunate things happen to me recently in RL and SL (as have many people) (click, click… SNAP) but I have found that by not dwelling on them I’ve been able to see the fortunate things that are happening to me all the time.

So, what’s the meaning of SLife? Play with enthusiasm, discover all you can, experience what you wish…. DEAL, and you will see. Always be polite, eat the mud that is thrown at you, be who it is you want to be… consistantly.

Partnering Part 3

So… yesterday marked our 3rd month anniversary.

You see, time, along with apologies, groveling and a commitment to a goal, heals most wounds.

We partnered June 24th. I never even thought about being partnered with anyone, mainly because I didn’t really know what it was. Never really paid any attention to that little box. Kind of like marriage, never thought about it, but then, one day, it happened. I have always been a loner… a fifth wheel… much more comfortable in my own company than with others. But I love being married in RL. Being married is like having your own personal buddy-bot there whenever you need them, to share things with, good and bad, happy and sad….

I am discovering that partnering is the same thing…. Someone you can count on. Someone you can experience that unbelievable landscape, or insane avatar with. Someone that is going to smile when you log on.

No…. SL “marriage” is NOT in the future…. Neither are SLildren… {{shiver}} just a long happy Slife with someone that brings me joy…. Consistently…. Unconditionally….

Partnering Part 2

… She locked the door behind, all dressed in Koi skin and white lingerie, she sauntered up to my desk. She bent over and whispered in my ear, “Do you ever accept alternative payments?”

I thought, “Oh great, here we go again…” I saw Linden dollar signs evaporating before me. Oh well…. NEXT!!

“Lemme show you something,” she said and rezzed a furry white blanket on the floor. She laid me down and stoked my belly. My blood soaked avie breathed like he was really enjoying it and I didn’t want to stop in the least. She asked me if I was “taken” and I said yes, even though I knew that was no longer true. She said, “Well, this doesn’t mean anything, just wanted to show you what I do at jPose.” We talked and laughed and I no longer felt she was trying to take advantage of me… In fact, “You can play with it if you want…. just touch the blanket.” I did… lots.

Now before you go saying, “Ah, now we get it…” It wasn’t like that at all. She was a perfect lady. Never pushed me to do anything. She only talked about me while I went through the poses, about how she’d seen my RL website months ago and wanted very much to meet me. We met various times in the next couple weeks, talking about future commissions. Each time she wore a different set of undies. I figured. she was a model, of course she wears that stuff alot. And then.. one night, it happened. Under the stars, resting on the blanket…. she told me she was drinking champagne… she showed me her product. It was an awesome evening!!

Immediately, after our encounter, I thought, “Gawd, I can’t do this. I can’t fall again. It’s just too hard.” And stayed up way too late writing a dear Jane letter about how I am just not ready for a commitment and a whole bunch of crap that I used to try and justify what I was writing. *note to self… NEVER send a letter at 3:00am.

I broke her heart in a million pieces………………………………

Partnering Part 1

I’m in the throws of a new SL phenomenon…

Finding true happiness and compatibility in Second Life is a challenge. Laughing and crying and experiencing emotion is one thing, a huge thing, no doubt, but still pretty superficial. If a person is nice to you and fun to be with, it is easy play with them and experience all SL has to offer. But what about tomorrow? What do you say to them the next day or the next week, or even after an hour? Obviously, you were thrown together because of a common interest, art, music, fashion, whatever… but a person’s whole is not about an interest and only the proverbial “geek” lives life narrowed in their cubbyhole.

As a newbie I spent most of my time with one person, also a newbie, as we grew and shared, trying to figure out this “game”, laughing at all the crazy stuff we encountered, learning to build, conserve prim, and how to make Lindens so we could continue to play. We lived together in various modest dwellings, renting space we could call our own. It was a glorious friendship for nearly two years until she succumbed to the “Real World” and had to leave. She didn’t leave me alone because of all the friends we made along the way but left a huge gaping hole in my SLife. Suddenly, it’s just a game again and you try forcing connections, yearning for that spark. I tried to fill it with the kindness of understanding friends but it’s not the same. Knowing you will never log on and hear “Hi hi, Trind”, or “*mew”, knowing you will never again hug at the end of the evening. And knowing you can no longer count on that consistent smile…… Until, you finally just give up… Men, as a whole, don’t give up easily and resist change to a fault. I’d use the word “loyal” but “security” fits so much easier. So, “giving up” for me meant one of two things, quit SL altogether or destroy everything and die in-world. There’s an old belief that I can attest to that says dieing in your dreams is your brain’s way of accepting change. I chose to don my bloody skin and lament… leave Trin sitting on a rock thinking suicidal thoughts, and go play something else.

I finished my obligations to customers, popping on only when absolutely necessary, was just about to close the door, when in stepped this lady, one of my last commissions, a beautiful young model, beautiful, yes, but so what? I already knew she was gorgeous from working with her. Traditional beauty was not something “my circle” would necessarily be impressed with. It’s easy to be pretty in SL.

In her purple Koi skin and white lingerie, she closed the door behind her…………………

To Light

He pulls himself from the dregs of darkness, still raining, still dreaming. Holding on to what he thought was all there was…..

A lady stopped by a month or so ago, asking for a commission to be done. I thought, crap, more work…. But since that’s all I do anyway… “Sure Miss… what would be your pleasure?”

“I like colors of aqua…. I’m a Pisces, you know…. Blues and greens and jewel colors… and I love looking at myself.”

Kay, I’m thinking, omg… she’s standing here in her blue mini, mini as in non-exsistant, telling me she is self-absorbed… I’m thinking… easy mark. Gorgeous face and killer body… how could I mess up? Then again, could be major trouble, envisioning, “my breasts are too small, that’s not the color of my hair, can you make it curlier, oh I never wear that color eye shadow…”

So, I dug in and had her visit Alax for an intensive photo-session, wanted every angle possible, check for detail, moles, freckles, are they perky, does it droop, that sort of thing. Spent hours making the best copy of that dress I could muster, scoured the meta-verse for long curly hair. She was like no one else I had drawn so I had to start completely from scratch. New skin, tan, brown piercing eyes, full red lips. Anyway… I know you folks have no clue about these drawing thingies… suffice to say…. I worked my butt off.

About a week later, I called her and asked her to come look at what I had done, fully expecting another weeks worth of tweaking. She showed up on white lingerie, garters, stockings, bustier, the works, explaining that was what she was wearing when I called, “lounging wear”…. she was soooo quite for so long I knew she hated them. Finally, she said, “I LOVE me!!” or something to that effect and then went on and on about everything, long periods of silence, “sorry, staring at myself”

The beginning of a beautiful friendship. The darkness fades into the background.

SL is fun now, once again.

Funerals

I had another close friend die this last weekend… That makes three in as many years. One suicide and two cancers. All vibrant women, the best of the best, with loving families and lofty goals, all around 45 years old. One served her country and her church, one spent her whole life working with mentally handicapped children, and one spent the last years of her life raising money for BCR and bringing joy to all around her.

This afternoon, at the service, I guess the thing that kept creeping into my head as I choked back the tears, watching her life unfold before me in a stereo slide-show, seeing glimpses of the back of my head, or my brother squeezing her in for the photo, was, “I’m such a dill-rod… I’ve done nothing with my life…. my family is distant because of my ignoring my life”. I sat there watching three young carbon-copies and the Dad, holding each other and shaking in their morning as pictures of them swimming with dolphins and parties with hundreds of friends, flashed…. I took hold of my wife’s hand and wrapped my arm around her….

What will they say at our funerals? er.. MY funeral? “Who gives a crap, right? You’re dead.” But, you’re not dead, not to your wife and children. Not to those that loved you and those that wonder what they could have done to be closer to you. That’s what this life is all about.. sharing… sharing all the good and bad times. Making sure those around you are happy and loved.

I’m not good at sharing… and I’m beginning to hate that.

No Direction

Having said all that in my last post, I find my SL experience has taken a turn, in which direction I haven’t a clue. I guess I’ll just hang around and see. I’ll still be drawing, afterall that’s what I do.
I’ve seen so many friends rise and fall, including me, that it’s difficult to predict where I will fit in.
My doors are always open to old and new friends.

Duh

I just realized, after all this time, it’s not about you… It’s about me, filling imaginary voids that are only there because I invent them. It is just a game afterall. No place for sadness or jealousy or wanton behavior. It’s fantasy in a form I dreamed of many years ago.

We don’t have to perform… we don’t even have to think. But, it’s fun when we do.

When I was a kid, my favorite daydream was somehow getting magical powers. The kind of power that would allow me to project anything I wanted just by thinking it. And then create a stage show of unbelievable beauty, instantaneously transporting the audience into whatever realm suited me. A combination of sight, sound and touch. I figured, if it were done properly, the other senses would take care of themselves…

But, I never really thought it was about me (other than the fame and glory) but more about MAKING someone experience what I wanted them to. Looking back, that IS about me, huh? Filling real life communication voids I have always felt.

There is no “making” someone do or feel. Only presentations and hopes. I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry I don’t have magical powers. I could have made some cool shit.

Conjoined

One of the more interesting concepts I have been given from my friend MiaSnow Myriam.

At first I thought, “Yea.. Awesome… 2 people locked together, experiencing life at the same moment but from 2 different angles, like stereo, meshing it together…”

The best part of her idea however, is the conflict. It’s an impossible idea to get your head around for us “normal” people. I mean, sure, there are parallels in our lives, loving, hating, loneliness, marriage, solitude… but when you remove the ability to separate yourself from the situation, the ability to step back for even a moment, it gets so twisted that I can’t even imagine. There really wouldn’t be a “yourself”… “Me” truly becomes “Us”. One could do nothing that doesn’t immediately effect both. Therefore, every action needs to be considerate to the whole.

She hates that she loves me.

I love that she cares that much.

Joined at the forehead. Constantly staring into someone else’s eyes. Never seeing your whole face in a mirror. Morning breath. He likes musk… She likes jasmine.

The Flu…

Manic Depression on opposing cycles.

The World is Flipping Part Deux

My art is stupid. It means nothing. It isn’t art at all, like some freaking rapper, stealing samples and randomizing until it pleases me. Or a photographer, stealing reality, over and over again, until, that one accidental click of the frame captures beauty that is already there. I always say, “Everything is just a tool to create” but that’s just bullshit designed to compensate for a lack of skill. Yes, “sometimes” the pictures I create astound me, and, yes, “sometimes” it’s because of something I do… But, more often than not it’s the compilation of other artists work that make my work what it is.

I was wrong… Nothing is possible… and I will continue being wrong until the end. It’s what humans do. I have found that SL is a community of sad, ego-centric dreamers. I guess that’s why I fit in so comfortably. A Luce’ was just a dream I had, a dream of illuminating the virtual darkness but, with no one to share that dream it just isn’t possible.

Click (ffzzzzzzzt)